Mannequin Mission – Part Two

If you too don’t want a mannequin by now, I can’t help you.

If you do, please stay tuned.

Recap from Part One: It is Monday May 8th. I’ve just had surgery to have my bone-anchored hearing aid post placed. I am not feeling 100% but I am a motivated woman. I am determined to bring home not one (1), not two (2), but three (3) Amazonian mannequins. One for me and one each for two of my spiritual advisers: Alexis and Caitlin.

I am with my mom (Nana), my step dad (Pops), Max and Brooks. I’ve just made the executive decision that it is better to go to the mall today (Monday) because I can utilize the helping hands of Nana and Pops. I recognize that, even though I am a bit handicapped, I will fare better in my quest with them than if I were to attempt the 3-woman rescue, on my own, the following day.

Nana is much like me: excited about the prospect of our purchase. Pops has Alzheimer’s and every second is a new adventure. Max and Brooks are always down for a field trip. I am wearing a giant plastic boob on the side of my head, which is, in a way, very appropriate. What better way to show up for this monumental occasion than by looking like a woman with a unique flair for plastics. (The boob is necessary because a hole was just drilled into the side of my head.)

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We pull up to Westfield Montgomery Mall at 3:30 pm in the afternoon lookin’ all fly like we do. If I had been a bit more prepared, I would have made a video of our gang’s entrance: WE WERE DEDICATED AND ON POINT.

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As we walked into Bebe, there were twenty (20!!) or so NAKED life-size dolls grouped right by the front door and one (1) man with a hand truck who was laboring with their removal. I wantonly looked over his stash, our eyes met and in that instant he made it clear that the sizable group belong to him… It was HIS booty!

I walked toward to the register, ready to claim my own prizes. While I waited for the people in front of me to complete their purchases, my mom had some luck and found the manager: my friend, Kim. She is the one who I had spoken to on the phone a few hours earlier. My mom asked Kim if they still they had any remaining figures for sale. Kim told her that they did, in fact, have five (5) left in inventory.

My mom delivered this news to me just as I got to the front of the line. I told the cashier, I wished to buy three mannequins. The clerk’s eyes immediately darkened. “We’re sold out,” she snapped at me.

Me (politely): “We were just told there are five remaining.”

She (yelling across the store): “Kim, do we have any mannequins left?”

Kim responded in the affirmative.

The cashier’s attitude remained hostile. She said, “Well those are the chipped ones, you better make sure you still want them.”

I got out of line, ran right into Kim and asked her to point me in the direction of the surviving girls.

They were in the front of the store: still in the windowsill, still fully dressed. One did have a few missing fingers but the others were in MINT CONDITION(ish)! They were perfect (enough).

I marched back up to the front. Max and Brooks were running around the displays a little bit too excitedly. Nana had miraculously and strangely enough found some interesting items of clothing she was inspecting, as if for her own purchase. (Anyone who knows the store Bebe will understand that this is not a very Nana appropriate store.) I’m not sure what Pops was doing at this point.

I got BACK IN LINE AGAIN! As I waited, Max and Brooks marveled at the jewelry near the checkout aisle. They tried on various pieces and when they found an especially shiny or gaudy item, they would hold it up to me and say, “Do your REAAAALLLY like this, Mommy?” (They know how I love glittery things.)

We made it back to the front of the line and awaiting us, with attitude, was Little Miss Angry Pants (AP). From this point on I shall refer to her as AP since I never got her real name. I told AP that the dolls were good and that I wished to make the investment. She grumbled as she filled out the necessary paperwork.

(To the proportion that I like glittery things, AP felt the opposite way about me. She most certainly didn’t appreciate the fact that I was acquiring such a lovely collection of plastic models. I’m guessing she had a long day and I was trying to be sympathetic to the fact that she would soon be losing her job; nevertheless, her irritation was a bit excessive… It was almost like I was taking her best friends away from her.)

When the transaction was final, I went back to the front of the store to pick up the merchandise. Before I could go anywhere, I first had to take their clothes off. They were still in the windowsill so I simply joined them there and began their undressing. Max and Brooks accompanied me to the display where they furthered their games of exploration. Pops went outside of the store and started playing peek-a-boo with the boys. AP came forward to yell at Max and Brooks and told them to get out of the window. She tried to rationalize her aggression by saying, “It’s a liability.”

Max and Brooks quickly left the windowsill. (As two and four year old boys go, they are incredibly good and obedient.) Their personalities were still a bit too enthusiastic for AP though so she then told them they had to leave the store or go sit by the changing rooms.

At this point, to AP, I said, “Are you a little cranky today?” (I must admit my tone to be somewhat condescending.)

She said, “EXCUSE ME!” (All full of attitude… You know, the way you do when you bout to get in it.)

I took the bait and came out from the windowsill, ready to play Mommysaurus Rex.

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My mom looked at me and said, “It’s not worth it.” She then took Max and Brooks out of the store to the front where Pops was still playing peek-a-boo (but now with the mannequins). I finished undressing the models as quickly as possible.

Being that the figures are quite large (over 6 feet) it would take more than one trip to get our trophies to the car. I brought out an entire body and gave it to Pops. My mom put a few shiny hands into the pockets of her over-sized coat. She then secured three arms, like a baby, across her torso. Max gripped onto one arm and Brooks held a hand. I took two of the steel bases and we rolled out.

It is at this point in our adventure that I (again) WISH I HAD A CAMERA FOR THE SCENE… OUR CREW, WITH FISTS FULL OF LADY PARTS, IS AN UNRIVALED MOMENT OF BEAUTIFUL CHOREOGRAPHY! The fact that Brooks kept dropping the one (1) hand he was responsible for only added to the exhibition.

We finally made it to the car and secured the body part safely before heading back for their remains. The second trip was much like our first except that Brooks wanted me to carry him back to the car also. I had legs tucked under my left arm and Brooks in my right. He kept reaching across to touch the legs, fascinated by our purchase.

Between the two arm-full trips and our two (2) cars, we had the makings of three (3) mannequins. We buckled them in and headed for home, excited about our acquisition!

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In our focused departure, I neglected to say goodbye to AP. I do wish her well and hope she knows that her companions are going to good homes.

Before we drove out of the parking garage, I finally remembered my phone! I pulled it out and began making a video of Max and Brooks packed in the car with our new friends. I asked the boys what they would like to name the girls… Much to my surprise, they chose names that are perfect and have stuck:

I would like to introduce to you Sylvia, Sylvia and Boochy Boo! (AKA Boochy Boo and Sylvia Les Deux)

The ladies made it home and are back in model form. They are resting in our guest room and Max and Brooks go down to check on them occasionally during the day. Since Monday, we have had a few visitors. The boys have seized upon these opportunities to introduce our unsuspecting guests to the sorority sisters. Erich is not yet fully on-board; he has yet to appreciate the many and far-reaching uses for our friend. I think I may have hit on a selling point today though when I informed him that we can use Boochy Boo as a dry erase board for leaving important messages to one another.

I expect many more adventures with them in the coming months. The next edition to this tale being: How can one safely ship bodies across the country?


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The Momstrosity

When life presents ridiculousness, respond proportionately... BLOG ABOUT IT!

One thought on “Mannequin Mission – Part Two”

  1. There’s really not a better sight than Sylvia 1 in all her topless glory between the boys in the car. Can you screen capture it and make it your Christmas card this year?! Must. Have.


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